from a distance

it has been a silent month for me here. i apologize to those of you who have checked the site repeatedly to see if i had posted anything new.  i have been in peru for the last month, and have taken advantage of the distance and the ability to just not think about all of this.

i´d reached an emotional breaking point in the past months, watching my mother´s pain escalate and her normally active life shrink to the confines of a wheelchair.  i´m not sure how demoralized she has been, but i can´t imagine how hard it must have been for her, knowing how it´s hurt me.

the distance also provided some clarity, like stepping back from a painting and re-appreciating the canvas in it´s entirety, rather than just the brush strokes in view right in front of my nose.  it took about 12 hours in cusco for me to feel total remorse for being frustrated with my mom personally (when it´s the disease that i´m really angry at)  in person it can be hard to untangle the two, but there´s something about travelling that allows for some knots to magically come undone.

i have since apologized, but am searching here for time, clarity and the chance to be refreshed before i return home. This time with an attitude of support, compassion, and understanding, rather than frustration. 

i have woken up several times during the night here, to a nightmare that something has happened to my mother while i am away.  which, i suppose, is one of my greatest fears.  i am strangely thankful for the disturbing visions.  They are a reminder to me of the precious gift i have been given, both in my mother (and loved ones in general) and time.  Both of which, cancer has taught me, are exceedingly ephemeral.

A beautiful woman who i was privileged to meet this past year, passed away from pancreatic cancer a week or so ago.  her life touched an untold number of people, as evidenced, i hear, by the remarkable attendance at her memorial service.  She will be greatly missed.  She is also a powerful reminder of me to love hard and strong while i have the chance, to never miss an opportunity to uplift, encourage and love.

time is short…and the distances between us, in more ways than one, are often far too great.  we should take care to steward both with love and attention.


2 thoughts on “from a distance

  1. You are amazing! Amber, Brandi and I all think you need to compile this in a book. Love you and miss you tons.

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